For the Year: 4-14 (.222) ($1140) ATS 11-7 (.611) SU
What we learned last week: We learned that Miami is for real. They’re showing the athleticism they have been lacking in recent years, and could dominate the ACC this year as a result……..We learned that Florida is flappable. Tennessee has a good defense, but Florida looks to be lacking the playmaking ability that Percy Harvin provided in recent years. And, you might want to sit down for this one, but 8lb6ozLordBabyTebow can’t score 40 points by himself……We learned that while Georgia has absolutely zero interest in playing defense this year, their offense is much better than expected. Perhaps they should request a move to the Big 12…….We learned that yes, it is possible to throw six touchdowns while also carrying around a porn stache on your upper lip, something we haven’t known since the 1970’s. Congrats, Landry Jones……We learned that while the New York Giants are good enough to overcome not scoring touchdowns in the red zone, Nebraska is not. Four times they had the ball inside the Virginia Tech 25 yard line, and four times they kicked field goals…….And finally we learned that when you hold Texas Tech to negative rushing yards, it is a lot easier to beat them, and we learned that Taylor Potts wears contact lenses….and brings an extra pair on the road in case Kindle happens.
Anyhow…
This week we dive into the TWTWB Mailbag. As always, remember that these are not actual letters from actual readers.
Should we start reserving our hotels in Pasadena now?
BYU Fans
Provo, UT
Oops. Looks like this one was sent last week. Apparently BYU forgot that a win over Oklahoma doesn’t grant them automatic entry into the BCS party, they must in fact win the rest of their games as well. Thank God we don’t have to hear that drivel the rest of the year. Now if someone could take out Boise State…
Can I have my money back from you, too? Your picks are terrible this year.
Oregon Fan
Eugene, OR
Sorry, Oregon fan, I make it plainly clear at the bottom that these picks are for entertainment purposes only, and you shouldn’t be using these picks for actual bets. So unlike Chip Kelly, I can’t refund your money for a lackluster performance. This has been an awful year, however. College football is LaGarrette Blount’s fist to my picks’ Byron Hout’s chin. My picks are so bad, Joe Paterno is trying to schedule them for next season. My picks are so bad, Bookmaker.com is offering me $500 in free playing money. My picks are so bad, Lou Holtz is looking senile compared to them.
570 yards of total offense! WHOOOP! First in the country in total offense! WHOOP! Second in the country in sacks! WHOOP! Von Miller leads the country in sacks! WHOOP!
M. Sherman
College Station, TX
And you owe it all to a high school coach. Congrats, coach. Oh yeah, congrats on giving up 520 yards to Utah State last week, the same Utah State that finished 3-9 last season and in the 110s in total offense. Congrats.
I can throw a ball 8 yards. You betta watch out.
S. Bradford
Norman, OK
Sounds like you’re good enough to play in the Texas offense 2009.
Can we motion to get all trips to the states of Washington and Oregon nixed from future schedules?
P. Carroll
Los Angeles, CA
Seriously. Although I’m not really sure why so many were shocked last week. USC just isn’t that good this year, and it is all because of the quarterback position. Stack the line and dare the USC QBs to beat you, and they can’t. Now we all know why Carroll was so pissed when Marc Sanchez went pro this year…
Did you see that we had 105,000 fans last week?
J. Jones
Dallas, TX
Yeah, and 30,000 of those couldn’t see the field, but did have a nice view of the guy in front of them’s bald spot. Although to be honest, DKR Texas Memorial Stadium did draw more than 100,000 fans last week but just as many missed the game action because they refused to stand up and got a nice view of the person in front of them’s ass.
Hey, you! I’m still here!
M. Mustain
Los Angeles, CA
Do you guys hear something?
Show me the money!
M. Crabtree
Dallas, TX
Listen, Michael. I’m not usually the type to go off on rants like this. I understand that you have a very limited chance to earn money, blah blah blah, I get it. But go to work. Seriously, there are parts of the country where the unemployment rate is at 15%, and you’re trying to get more millions out of that rock? Go to work, produce, get your money in your next big contract, earn endorsements, hell buy a Chik-fil-a franchise, those things have to make big money. But you’re not going to get the big money next off-season, hell you’re more likely to fall into the second round. Sign the contract, go get to live life as a rich 22 year old in one of America’s greatest cities. You’re showing your Texas Tech education here.
Dammit! The Las Vegas Bowl again!
BYU Fan
Provo, UT
Ah, there we go. And you can probably find plenty of wives in Las Vegas.
Wah! They took too long calling their plays!
U. Meyer
Gainesville, FL
The Indianapolis Colts are on line 1, Mr. Meyer.
Have you seen my contacts?
T. Potts
Lubbock, TX
Yeah, I think they are around the 12 yard line. And button your chin strap, dammit.
Please be aware of heightened security after threats were uncovered against stadiums in this country.
Dept of Homeland Security
Washington, DC
I know, just last week some asshole tried to sneak in a remote control!
Kenny Chesney’s “This is Our Moment” has always been intended to used on opening weekend, very big games and the last day of the regular season. I am not aware of any backlash, I heard positives about the song. Thank you for your comments.
ESPN Spokesman
Bristol, CT
Yeah, but how many of those positives were from “K. Chesney, Nashville, TN”?
I resent this notion that I would risk further injury to Sam by playing him before he was ready.
B. Stoops
Norman, OK
Riiiiiiight, Bob. We all remember Adrian Peterson hopping out there like a pirate with a peg leg in 2005. I’m pretty sure you would have played Joe Theisman after Lawrence Taylor sacked him, Lee Harvey Oswald after Jack Ruby shot him and David Hassellhoff after a fifth of Jack if you thought it would give you a better chance to win and your back-up had a porn stache.
Hello? Anyone there? MOM?
M. Mustain
Los Angeles, CA
This damn apartment and its thin walls. I swear I hear something.
FACEBOOK NEWS FEED
The Flu is getting in your locker room and infecting all your players.
Colt McCoy and Your Six Year Old Kid have joined the group Pedialyte Works Wonders.
Bevo and Jordan Shipley are no longer in a relationship.
Tyrone Willingham wrote on Steve Sarkisian’s Wall: “How in the HELL did you do that?”
The Kansas Football Team wrote on The Kansas Basketball Team’s Wall: “Our coach can eat your coach!”
Lane Kiffin started a MAFIA WAR with Urban Meyer.
Mitch Mustain took the “Which Three Stooges Character Are You?” quiz with the result of “Curly Joe”.
On to the games...
Mississippi -4 @ South Carolina:
Mississippi was deemed a Top 10 team by the media and coaches in the pre-season, but so far they have looked rather pedestrian in wins over Memphis and Southeastern Louisiana. They’ll get their first true test of the year this week against a South Carolina defense that has been very solid, and a quarterback in Stephen Garcia that has been far better this year than previous years.
The Gamecocks won this one in Oxford last season, and I expect them to give the Rebels a tough one here….if not straight up win it.
Mississippi 27 South Carolina 24
ATS – South Carolina
SU – Mississippi
TCU @ Clemson -2.5:
Clemson has been woefully inadequate on offense this year, and they don’t figure to get healthy on a TCU team that leads the nation in sacks and gets after you defensively. The Horned Frogs also have a experienced quarterback in Andy Dalton who won’t be afraid to play in Death Valley.
Clemson running back CJ Spiller is battling a toe injury, without him at 100% I don’t think they have the offense to keep ahead of TCU.
TCU 24 Clemson 17
ATS – TCU
SU – TCU
Miami -2.5 @ Virginia Tech:
Miami has opened the year in impressive fashion, winning their first two games over ranked opponents. Virginia Tech’s defense is awful right now, ranking 77th in the country and allowing Nebraska to run for 200 yards on them last week while Alabama racked up nearly 600 on them in the season opener.
Miami looks like they have turned a corner on their road back to contention. That could all go down the toilet in this game, but they look fast, athletic and hungry. And Jacory Harris is about 10 times better than Tyrod Taylor.
Miami 28 Virginia Tech 16
ATS – Miami
SU – Miami
California -5.5 @ Oregon:
Oregon is going to have a tough time containing Jahvid Best. Autzen isn’t the home field advantage that it once was, both Purdue and Utah have gone in there in recent weeks and played well enough to win the ballgame.
Jeremiah Masoli is completing less than 50% of his passes, and I don’t see that offense having a breakout game against Cal.
California 38 Oregon 28
ATS – California
SU – California
Texas Tech @ Houston -1:
The Over/Under on this game is 73. Find a comfortable chair and enjoy this one.
Not to take anything away from a great story down there, but Houston is getting a lot of praise over their win over Oklahoma State, but the Cowboys haven’t been impressive in any game this year, so I’m not really sure how impressive that win was.
Texas Tech, meanwhile, impressed me last week. If they show up with the same intensity to play Houston that they did last week (this is Tech, so it is questionable), they’ll win here.
Texas Tech 45 Houston 34
ATS – Texas Tech
SU – Texas Tech
UTEP @ Texas -36:
I’m going to save you the analysis. Yes, UTEP returns QB Trevor Vittatoe who was very solid last year in a 42-13 loss to Texas, but he hasn’t helped much as UTEP is only ranked 103rd in the country in offense. UTEP ran for 145 yards last year against Texas, and you know Will Muschamp circled that number when looking at gametape from last year’s game when he watched it again.
So we know that Texas will win, and should win comfortably, but what would we like to see this week? I’d like to see Tre Newton get 100 yards. UTEP’s rushing defense is 106th in the country, if we can’t run on them, I’m weary of running on Oklahoma and the rest of the Big 12.
Next, I would like to see Colt McCoy spread it around more in the offense. In last year’s opener against Florida Atlantic, SEVEN different guys scored on offense, a trend that would continue throughout the year. So far this year, McCoy seems to be keying in on Jordan Shipley, and if he isn’t open we’ll go to Dan Buckner and an occasional pass to John Chiles. If this offense is going to go to the next level, defenses need to fear all of the weapons on the field, so I’d like to see Malcolm Williams and James Kirkendoll get more involved in the offense.
On defense? I’d like to see some turnovers. In the form of interceptions. We forced plenty of fumbles last week against Tech, but let’s start catching the ball on defense, too.
Texas 45 UTEP 14
ATS – UTEP
SU – Texas
Random Hot Dallas Chick
For entertainment purposes only. Save your money for grape Pedialyte to ward off the Swine Flu.
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