Monday, September 29, 2008

The Longhorns Enter Big XII Action

I'm not sure if you could have written a better start to the season than Texas has had. About the only complaint I would have is the defense still looks lost at times defending the pass, but I think we all knew that wasn't going to correct itself overnight.

But, let's look at some of the Longhorns' stats:

Scoring offense:: #6

You look at this offense, and nobody on it will make any pre-season lists, but yet they are getting the job done. No, they aren't lighting up the Top 25, but they're doing what they are supposed to do...blow lesser teams out. Plenty of teams in the Top 25 wish they could say that.

Rushing Defense: #2

If you aren't going to stop the pass, you might as well stop the rush. Stopping the rush is all about being physical and determined...I'll take that.

Scoring Defense: #6

We're allowing some yards, but not allowing many scores. And that's the name of the game, no?

Sacks: #1

When was the last time Texas was #1 in the country in sacks? 1991 perhaps? Get some pressure on the QB, and turnovers and stops will take care of themselves.

And finally...I need to eat some crow.

Colt McCoy has been out-f'ing-standing. I got on him plenty last season, but the guy has been NAILS so far this year. And don't say "Let's see it against teams other than Rice". The fact of the matter is that Colt struggled against TCU and UCF last year. This year it is a completely different story, and the team is better because of it.

If he continues to play like this, we'll be bowling in January and possibly going to KC in December.

And consider this possibility. Win the next 3 ballgames.

@ Colorado
Oklahoma (in Dallas)
Missouri

Now, it won't be easy at all. Boulder at night sounds like a little house of horrors. Oklahoma has had our number more often than not this decade. Chase Daniel and the Tigers are loaded and due to beat us.

But if Colt continues to play like he has, our offense doesn't have any funks, and our defense plays adequately, or even more scary for the Big 12 hits it's Muschamp stride, we win the next three ballgames...

And Oklahoma State comes to Austin Oct 25 to play the #1 team in the country.

I'm frickin' pumped.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Week That Will Be (9.27.08)

Last Week: - 5-1 ATS 6-0 SU
For the Year: - 15-8-1 (.652) ($620) ATS 21-3 (.875) SU


What we learned last week: We learned that Les Miles is still up to his gambling ways, and like they say in Vegas, those casinos were built on luck. LSU is going to have to man up and beat someone without resorting to miracle fourth down plays and halfback passes again all season…We learned that Tennessee isn’t even the best team in its own state now. Phil Fulmer might want to find a realtor….We learned that perhaps I shouldn’t rely on anyone in the Pac-10 besides USC to show up this year. Big props to Georgia on getting it done in the desert…We learned that West Virginia head coach Bill Stewart is probably in over his head, and West Virginia is probably headed back to third-tier status once Pat White leaves…We learned that Michael Goodson probably wants a do-over on his choice of colleges right about now…We learned that it’s all fine and dandy for Texas right now, but Colt McCoy can’t be the leading rusher all year and beat teams other than Rice.

Anyhow…

I’ve never been one for pre-season polls. Far too often the teams that we think are worth a damn aren’t worth a damn and the ones that aren’t supposed to be worth a damn are worth a damn. That’s a lotta damns and a lotta worths. But now that we’re a few weeks into the season, we have a better idea of who is what and how fat Houston Nutt has gotten. So here’s a damn poll that’s completely worthless, Matt’s Top 20 Poll:

20. Oregon Hey, look! Another Pac-10 team in the Top 20! The Ducks probably won’t be here long, however. They’ve already used 4 quarterbacks this year, and none of them are named Dennis Dixon. Autzen Stadium isn’t even the formidable place it used to be. They’ve lost 2 of their last 4 there.

19. Boise State How many years of eligibility does Ian Johnson have? Is he on the Justin McLemore plan? There are senior senators that have been in Congress for less time than Johnson has been in the backfield for the Broncos. ER had it’s pilot in Johnson’s freshman season. Has he divorced the cheerleader yet?

18. Utah [Tries to think of something witty to say about Utah…gets bored and checks his Google Reader…scrunches face….takes sip of water…flips through the channels…shrugs]

17. Kansas KU basketball players Darrell Arthur and Mario Chalmers were recently dismissed from a NBA rookie orientation session because officials found marijuana in their hotel room. Can’t you just imagine Mark Mangino hitting the bong in his hotel room and designing new formations and plays? Isn’t this the most plausible reason on how you get that fat? Whatever they’re doing, it’s working in Lawrence.

16. Ohio State Don’t you just look at Ohio State and think Buffalo Bills? Would it really surprise you if Beanie Wells lost his helmet on the sideline this year? But you already know what is going to happen. The Buckeyes are going to keep winning games by a field goal or a late interception. They’ll keep doing this all the way to the Rose Bowl, and there will be talk of a “rejuvenated” Buckeye team, who now has a healthy Wells…and then they’ll get stomped by Missouri or whatever team gets sent out there to replace USC.

15. Auburn In a recent poll, 86% of Americans said that they’d rather watch Hole in the Wall than watch Auburn football, while 10% said they’d rather watch the Ninja Cat video on Break.com. The other 4% were either Auburn fans or in a coma.

14. South FloridaOkay we’re sure this isn’t a HBO sitcom about a so-so college football team with ugly uniforms and a goofy mascot? If I have to watch SF coach Jim Leavitt’s goofy ass in one more game of consequence I’m going to join the 4% that are in a coma.

13. BYU Isn’t Bronco Mendenhall a great name? Any chance I can get you guys to start calling me Bronco Mendenhall? And aren’t we glad that Rashard Mendenhall didn’t get drafted by the Bronco’s right now? Wouldn’t that have made Chris Berman’s head explode? On the other hand…

12. Wake Forest I’ve tried, and I just can’t take Wake Forest seriously. Maybe Wake Forest needs some thugs on their team to be a true college powerhouse. Does Josh Howard have any football eligibility? Maybe Mark Cuban knew what he was doing by not taking Arthur and Chalmers? And how come I always get hungry for cake when I hear Wake Forest? How many questions can I ask in one capsule?

11. Penn State Okay, usually I’ll take a shot at Joe Paterno when I write about Penn State, but I won’t do it here. It’s perfectly okay that Paterno is coaching from the booth after being listed on the injury report for (age), and it’s perfectly okay that this week’s Texas/Arkansas game is the 26th meeting of the two programs (and only the 4th since 1991) since Dick Nixon pissed off Joe Paterno by proclaiming that the winner of the 1969 Texas/Arkansas game would be the nation’s best. And it’s perfectly okay that Dick Nixon was President in Paterno’s coaching life and that Mad Men is almost to the Joe Paterno era starting at Penn State.

10. Wisconsin Wisconsin somehow manages year after year to have a team more boring than Ohio State. In fact, Penn State is the most exciting team in the Big Ten, and their coach has been there since the LBJ Library was a parking lot. Or a grass field. Hell I don’t know, I’m not a historian. But they’re another one of those teams that will piss all of us off by running through their schedule with 1 loss (they play Ohio State and Illinois at home), then go to some New Year’s Day bowl and spare us all to death with a 17-13 snooze fest, while we’re pissed that we either had to get up at the crack of dawn to go to the Cotton Bowl or played on Thursday in the Holiday Bowl and these people are getting the favorable timeslot. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

9. Texas Tech You know something is amiss when the Red Raiders rank #3 in the country in total offense, #8 in scoring offense, #1 in passing offense, but we’re wondering what is wrong with their offense. We should, of course, keep with tradition (the Aggies will claim this one soon) and worry about Tech’s defense, which has given up 24 points to Eastern Washington and 14 to Massachusetts. The Red Raiders have a brutal road schedule (@ Kansas State, @ Texas A&M (haha), @ Kansas and @ Oklahoma), so it looks like more of the same this year for Tech….8 or 9 wins and a second or third tier bowl. Maybe Tech will get to play BYU. Bronco Mendenhall kinda sounds like a pirate name.

8. Alabama Whoa Nellie! Music to any college football fan’s ears. Nick Saban’s rebuilding job appears to be well underway in Tuscaloosa, which is good for college football fans because everyone in the SEC is bound to get pissed off at him and the Tide. In fact with Saban, Steve Spurrier, Les Miles, Urban Meyer, Houston Nutt and others in that conference, it’s a wonder that the pre-season coaches meetings don’t dissolve into jello wrestling matches and steel chairs across heads. Maybe they’re waiting for the SEC Channel.

7. Texas It’s been a quiet few months for the Longhorns. When the biggest controversy is Lamarr Houston getting arrested for DUI (and everyone forgetting about it 3 days later), things are good. But we know how quickly that can change in Austin. Colt McCoy is widely considered at best the 4th best quarterback in the conference (behind Daniel, Bradford and Harrell), but he’s #3 in the country in passing efficiency (Bradford is #2). Besides Bradford and McCoy, there are four other Big 12 quarterbacks in the Top 10 in passing efficiency (Daniel #4, Zac Robinson #8, Robert Griffin #9 and Josh Freeman #10). If McCoy keeps up in that company, the Longhorns will be just fine.

6. LSU Les Miles is like The Joker in The Dark Knight. Sure, he’s amusing. He pisses you off sometimes. He’s ugly. Can’t really speak that well. Pulls interesting tricks (The halfback pass is Les Miles’ Pencil Trick). But you keep watching, because you know that at the end, he’s going to get his. Les Miles will get his one day. Let’s just hope he doesn’t dress up in a nurse’s outfit.

5. Georgia You have to wonder why Georgia keeps winning. Terrible pass defense. Limited play-making ability on offense. Good, but not great, offense. But still, they keep on winning. What was the last national champion that utilized an alternate jersey? And then there’s that whole Mark Richt looking like Helen Hunt thing people keep talking about. How is Georgia ever going to ever figure out that mess?

4. Missouri Nobody has quite figured out how Missouri keeps winning ballgames since they are after all…Missouri…and coached by Gary Pinkel, but whatever, they’re good. In fact you would have to think they could beat the St. Louis Rams and Kansas City Chiefs, no? Trent Green, Damon Huard, Taylor Thigpen, is Chase Daniel not better than they are? The Rams should just sign Steve Deberg and get it over with.

3. Florida Florida is winning with defense, which isn’t usually a staple of an Urban Meyer team, but I’m sure he’ll take it. You’d have to think that sooner or later Tim Tebow will get it going, but right now he’s taking this Heisman quarterback curse a bit too much to heart. But they had better watch out, the Big 10 will come calling if they continue this boring football.

2. Oklahoma You might as well give Oklahoma a spot in a BCS bowl now. Their toughest game the rest of the way is in Dallas against Texas. Get past that one and they have Kansas and Nebraska at home, don’t have to play Missouri in the regular season, and the toughest road-trip is to Stillwater. People have harder daily commutes than that. Now if Oklahoma can just figure out how to win a BCS bowl, their fans would probably appreciate that.

1. USC The Trojans are ranked #1, their toughest road game the rest of the season is @ Arizona and they have Vincent Chase at quarterback, what is not to love? I’m sure it’s hard finding room for Turtle, Drama and E on the sidelines, but this is USC, this is what they do. Speaking of Entourage, let’s make Vinny Chase on top of Hollywood again. That’s when this show is at its best, when they’re going to parties at Jessica Alba’s house, when there are naked chicks everywhere, and Ari is on top of the agent world. Oh, and bring back Emmanuelle Chriqui.

Facebook Status Messages

Emmitt Smith wrote on Jeff Pearlman’s wall: “Why you going off and making a mountain out of an anthill?”

Pat White has joined the group I am now irrelevant.

East Carolina and the BCS are no longer in a relationship.

Mike Teel is taking swings at punk ass bitches.

June Jones is wanting a Mai Tai.

Robert Griffin joined the group How the hell did Robert Griffin end up at Baylor?

On to the games...

Tennessee @ Auburn -6:

The Vols aren’t doing much right this year. They can’t score, they can’t defend, hell they can’t even punt right (#118 in the nation). About the only thing they can do is return kicks, and that’s because they have so much practice.

Auburn isn’t exciting, but they are a more sound team, and they have better coaching.

Auburn 23 Tennessee 14
ATS – Auburn
SU – Auburn

Alabama @ Georgia -7:

Georgia announced this week that they will wear their special black jerseys for this game, in which Alabama responded by Nick Saban wearing his black Alabama polo to the news conference on Monday and then the strength and conditioning coach (of all people) proclaiming it’s because Georgia is going to a funeral.

Salty.

Georgia 21 Alabama 17
ATS – Alabama
SU – Georgia

Illinois @ Penn State -15:

Penn State is playing as well as anyone in the country right now, while Illinois has had two weeks off to digest a three point win over Louisiana-Lafayette. Juice Williams is always a wild card, but I’m thinking Penn State might just be the Big 10’s best this year.

Penn State 34 Illinois 17
ATS – Penn State
SU – Penn State

Colorado @ Florida State -5.5:

Colorado somehow won last week despite looking like Texas A&M for the last three quarters, while Florida State couldn’t muster up much against a tough Wake Forest defense. The Seminoles won this one last year in Boulder, and I don’t see this one being much different.

Florida State 26 Colorado 20
ATS – Florida State
SU – Florida State

TCU @ Oklahoma -18.5:

The Horned Frogs bring the nation’s #1 defense to Norman, but Oklahoma isn’t SMU, Stanford, New Mexico or Stephen F. Austin. The Horned Frogs have won in their last two trips to Norman, but John Blake isn’t around this time.

Oklahoma 45 TCU 17
ATS – Oklahoma
SU – Oklahoma

Arkansas @ Texas -27.5:

Arkansas is a mess. The 93rd rushing attack in the nation. The 94th rush defense. 101st in the nation in scoring defense. 115th in the nation in turnover margin. 115th in the nation in sacks allowed.

And that’s all at home.

And their quarterback is a real Dick (sorry). Throwing for 58% completion percentage this year, with 5 touchdowns to 4 interceptions.

They’re beyond awful…the Longhorns should slaughter them. But will they? Will they come out with the same emotion and fire that Arkansas will? Can they put down a team from an elite conference like the SEC?

I think Texas can get a quality win here…but that spread is too big against a foe like Arkansas that will be treating this as their BCS bowl.

Texas 41 Arkansas 17
ATS – Arkansas
SU – Texas

Random Hot Dallas Chick



For entertainment purposes only. Save your money for BLTs.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The LM Blog

Drew's back this week with his weekly preview...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Week That Will Be (9.20.08)

Last Week: - 3-2-1 ATS 6-0 SU
For the Year: - 10-7-1 (.588) ($230) ATS 15-3 (.833) SU


What we learned last week: We learned that Benjamin Franklin left out UCLA falling on their faces on the road in his “life and taxes” speech…We learned that USC and Oklahoma appear to be on a different level…but let’s be careful about putting them in Miami already…We learned that Georgia and South Carolina can play some mind-numbing football (but wasn’t the worst game in the SEC that day, unbelievably)…We learned that Mark Mangino apparently has never met Darrell Royal…We learned that a postponement of a game due to a hurricane means in fact that Austin will get no rain…and we learned that for some reason, this 2008 Texas Tech offense < other Mike Leach offenses.

Anyhow…

First of all, I would like to extend my well wishes to those of you out there that might have been affected by Hurricane Ike or have family that has been affected by Ike. This was a terrible event and no doubt the effects of the storm will be felt for years by those in the area. Hopefully you and yours have survived the worst of it, and the resiliency of Texas and its proud populace is about to shine in front of the entire country.

It’s time that we delve into this week’s mailbag. Remember, these are not actual letters from actual readers. We know none of you are literate enough to even cuss me out.

Why couldn’t we just cancel the game? Don’t you people know there are more important things than football right now?

B. Petrino
Fayetteville, AR


Well Bobby, this isn’t the NFL and the Atlanta Falcons, you have to actually finish what you start, here. But don’t worry, we have no doubt forgotten that you backed out of next year’s game and the embarrassment of losing to your school in 2003. No seriously, judging by our luck in “revenge” games the past few years, we probably have forgotten about it. Now, almost losing to Louisiana-Monroe and Western Illinois = Kat Deluna singing the national anthem, so we might not be able to help kicking your ass.

Do you have any OxyContin? Vicodin? Percocet? Morphine?

C. Weis
South Bend, IN


Oh, poor Charlie. Things just go from bad to worse. Although you did pick up a victory over perennial Rose Bowl participant Michigan, so you’ve…what? Michigan went 9-4 last year and were lucky to be that good? They’ve already lost to Utah and could have easily lost to Miami…of Ohio? Oh my, Charlie. Well at least you beat San Diego State. And you still have Syracuse left, that oasis in the desert for so many programs. Speaking of which…

Can I come back? Please?!?!?

G. Robinson
Syracuse, NY


Sorry Greg. I’ll have to forward your email to mackbrown@mail.utexas.edu.

F’ing A man, I just can’t catch a break.

J. Tressel
Columbus, OH


Sorry Jim, it’s sorry to feel sorry for a team that has won a national championship this decade, has a fan base of rabid idiots, refuses to play in a conference championship game and has to have the most single digit wins of any successful team this decade. Your sweater vest will look great in the Rose Bowl, however.

Don’t you agree that Urban Meyer is a classless dirtbag?

W. Sapp
Miami, FL


First, it takes one to know one. Second, is Miami really fighting now about losing by 20 instead of 23? Third, there are a lot of coaches that would have done what Urban Meyer did (kicking a field goal with minutes left up by 20), because A.) Miami did it to them plenty of times, B.) Rick Neuheisal doubled up on the game and needs it to be able to play the NFL this week, C.) Joe Paterno squinted his eyes and thought he was only up by 2 and D.) Bobby Bowden would just be happy he was winning a game.

I’m going to McDonald’s. Don’t call the cops JEFF!

V. Young
Nashville, TN


Oh Vince. How I’m guessing you wished you stayed one more year.

Ed Hochuli isn’t a Pac-10 ref, is he?

B. Stoops
Norman, OK


Let it go, Bob.

How old is Kurt Warner? Like 80? Didn’t he play Blue in Old School?

M. Leinart
Phoenix, AZ


There were two quarterbacks at USC in 2004 that are now quarterbacks...one is starting for New England, and one is riding the bench in Arizona. Which would I rather be? And not just because you’re bound to get the Brazilian supermodel friends of Gisele when you cook out at Tom’s (okay maybe that’s reason enough). Perhaps you should spend more time in the film room and less time on film at TMZ.com, Matt.

Shouldn’t football fields only be 98 yards anyhow?

D. Jackson
Philadelphia, PA


The 1999 Tennessee Titans would agree with you.

What’s the worst thing about sitting at home on a Saturday and watching football on television?

Generic Announcer Guy
New York, NY


Easy. Having to watch CBS. Here is a rundown of things at my house:

South Carolina leads 3-0. We’ll be right back. LOUD COMMERCIAL. Followed by YOU ARE WATCHING SEC FOOTBALL ON CBS….[frantically reaching for remote, turn volume down to half the volume the other channels need]….and we’re back here in Columbia[turn volume back up]WHISTLE.

Shoot me.

Eastern Washington, SMU, Massachusetts…who else can we schedule?

M. Leach
Lubbock, TX


The St. Louis Rams?

What do you think the Longhorns’ chances are in the Red River Rivalry this year?

C. Brown
Austin, TX


Probably not good. With Eli Manning winning the Super Bowl and Jay Cutler off to a hot start in Denver, it appears to be the Year of the Dumbface Quarterback. That doesn’t bode well against Future Dumbface Hall of Famer Sam Bradford.

Facebook News Feed

Demarcus Granger is now friends with Karma.

Auburn and Mississippi State are no longer in a relationship with watchable football.

Beano Cook wrote on Notre Dame’s Wall: “I love you so much. Please win this week.”

Jake Locker is wishing he had something to celebrate now. Sad

The Big 12 has now joined the group Best Quarterbacks in America.

Ron Jaworski, Mike Tirico and Tony Kornheiser are now friends with Matt’s mute button.

Miami (FL) fans is preparing for culture shock…

On to the games...

LSU -3 @ Auburn:

That Auburn/Mississippi State game was about as exciting as a Bridezillas marathon on the Lifetime network. Auburn has a decent enough defense, but no offense usually doesn’t work against LSU.

LSU 24 Auburn 14
ATS – LSU
SU – LSU


Florida -7.5 @ Tennessee:

Florida’s defense is ranked #3 in the country, and while Hawaii and Miami aren’t as good as they used to be, they aren’t Middle Washington State or whomever most teams are playing, either. Tennessee has looked okay since their season opening loss to UCLA, but they need to show up in a big game before I go with them.

Florida 34 Tennessee 21
ATS – Florida
SU – Florida

Georgia -6.5 @ Arizona State:

We know what happened with Georgia last week. They played the second crappiest game of the day in the SEC. But what the hell happened to Arizona State? Losing to UNLV and Larry Johnson and Stacey Augmon nowhere in sight? What? UNLV has never been good in football?

Who the hell knows. We do know this, Arizona State should be able to pass the ball on Georgia. The Bulldogs have shown some holes in the secondary (letting Chris Smelley throw for 273 yards, you should lose), and ASU has been one of the top passing teams in the country the past couple of years.

Knowshon Moreno should be able to pick his number against ASU, but Georgia rarely travels this far to play a football game. Still give me the Bulldogs, but I think it will be closer than most think.

The Pac-10 can’t be *that* bad, can it?

Georgia 31 Arizona State 28
ATS – Arizona State
SU – Georgia

West Virginia -3 @ Colorado:

West Virginia hasn’t been the rushing force they have been the past few years. Even against Villanova, the Mountaineers only rushed for 149 total yards. Their defense, usually underrated, has been terrible this year. If you can’t run the ball and you can’t pass the ball, it’s hard to win on the road in a tough spot. And again, a team that rarely shows up in “big” games.

Colorado 31 West Virginia 24
ATS – Colorado
SU – Colorado

Miami -3.5 @ Texas A&M:

The Aggies have been awful thus far this year, don’t know who their quarterback is, and when they do know who their quarterback is there are questions about whether that quarterback will fit into that offense. Miami isn’t Miami of old, but that was still good enough for a 17 point win last season.

Miami 24 Texas A&M 10
ATS – Miami
SU – Miami

Rice @ Texas -30:

I want to pick Rice to cover here. I really do. The Longhorns are 98th in the country in pass defense, allowing 261 passing yards a game (albeit only 2 games), and the Rice offense is pretty decent with a solid quarterback who has been there for a while.

But then you look at this:

2007 Texas 58 Rice 14
2006 Texas 52 Rice 7
2005 Texas 51 Rice 10
2004 Texas 35 Rice 13
2003 Texas 48 Rice 7

What does that tell you, besides that we play Rice way too much? It tells you that even though the teams *might* be closer on paper, Texas just has Rice’s number. Add to it all that Rice doesn’t even know where they will be practicing from day to day and it’s a hard situation for them.

Texas 51 Rice 14
ATS – Texas
SU – Texas

Random Hot Dallas Chick



For entertainment purposes only. Save your money for hurricane relief.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Week That Will Be (9.13.08)

Last Week: 4-2 ATS 5-1 SU
For the Year: 7-5 (.583) ($150) ATS 9-3 (.750) SU


What we learned last week: We learned that Steve Spurrier is spending too much time at Augusta National and not recruiting a quarterback…Oregon State is either the worst team in the Pac-10 or Penn State is the best team that we’ve seen in the Big 10 this year…Urban Meyer apparently pays attention to the Vegas line…The Aggies will be lucky to reach .500 this year...If Oklahoma is going to score 50 points per game, they might want to work on kick-offs…Colt McCoy 2008 is already > 2007 Colt McCoy, but not quite 2006 Colt McCoy.

Anyhow…

This week it is time for our annual visit with LM Hotel & Casino bookmaker Roxy Roxborough. This afternoon we chatted with Roxborough…and of course he’s up to no good.

Hi Roxy…hey what’s that noise in the background?

Hey there Matt! I am coming LIVE to you from the Gulf of Mexico! I am on one of those hurricane hunter planes, looking into the eye of Ike.

Oh really…how does it look?

Not good, not good. Ike’s pissed and he’s about to make Texas his Tina Turner. Ike’s pissed and he’s about to make Texas look like Nazi Germany at Normandy.

Are you done with your bad clichés? I’ve got a readership to keep here.

I’m done. Ike’s pissed and he’s about to…

Go on.

Eh, that’s all I’ve got.

Okay. College football. How do you think the season is going so far?

Snores. Oh uh sorry. One word, BORING. When the best game of the season involves a guy that looks like the dude from Die Hard 2 and the dude from Airwolf, you’ve got some problems. This season almost wants me to go home and see my wife and kid.

Roxy, your wife left you two years ago.

So you’re saying it’s safe to go home? No wonder I had to fix my own sandwich the last time I was there.

Who is your surprise team this year?

Notre Dame.

Notre Dame? Really? Did you not see their game against San Diego State?

Oh I saw it. It’s more like SURPRISE! We still suck! You’re paying me $4 million to lose to Navy! We’re like the Taliban without the funny headgear and better hygiene, bitches!

That’s quite the analogy. What do you think about the Longhorns this year?

I like that Coach Muschamp. He’s got movie star looks, chest-bumps his players and is loved by his peers. And has a good lookin’ wife. Reminds me of me at that age, except that I looked like Abe Lincoln, only chest bumped strippers on $5 lap dance nights and everybody hated me because I drank all their bourbon. But they got over it. Oh and my wife looked like Joe E Tata with a wig on and a cigarette in her mouth.


Roxy Roxborough?

So 10 wins?

Absolutely.

Okay Roxy. Let’s have it. Your picks for the national champion and the Heisman Trophy winner.

The national champions will be none other than the Missouri Tigers, with the Heisman Trophy winner being Missouri TE Chase Coffman.

Okay…Missouri winning the national title is feasible…but Coffman? Not Chase Daniel, or even Jeremy Maclin?

He’s from Peculiar, MO. Reminds me of me.

I’d say. Okay Roxy, any other prop bet odds that you have for me this year?

Yes. They are:

Odds that Texas A&M wins the national championship: 100,000 to 1
Odds that Texas A&M beats a team from a BCS conference: 2 to 1
Odds that that team isn’t Baylor: 100,000 to 1
Odds that June Jones is missing Hawaii: NL
Odds that the referee that threw the flag on Jake Locker against BYU was beat up every day in high school: 2 to 1
Odds that another Penn State player is arrested before the season ends: 4 to 1
Odds that Joe Paterno calls marijuana “wacky tobaccy” : 2 to 1
Odds that Clemson is undefeated until late October and then loses another dud game: 2 to 1
Odds that Jimmy Clausen gets his style tips from WWE Raw: 2 to 1
Odds that Mike Sherman wishes he was on the Texans still: Don’t be ridiculous

This Week’s Facebook News Feed

Hurricane Ike is bored, thinking about going to Texas this weekend.

Hurricane Ike is attending the Texas/Arkansas event.

Sam Bradford joined the Dumb Face Quarterback group.

Pac 10 Referee wrote on Jake Locker’s wall: “Don’t you get too excited sonny, I’ve got a flag in my pocket and ready to use it, whipper-snapper!”

Jimmy Clausen has become a Level 10 Douchebag! Become a Douchebag with [/b]Jimmy[/b].

Todd Boeckman is going to LA this weekend…and not too excited about it.

Pat White is wondering why it’s always him.

Rodney King is having flashbacks after watching the end of East Carolina/West Virginia.

Terrelle Pryor is in for a rude awakening.

The Week That Will Be has changed it’s profile name to The Week That Won’t Be

Mike Sherman and Fashion Sense are no longer in a relationship.

On to the games...

UCLA @ BYU -8.5:

This is the third time these two teams have played in the last 12 months, but obviously UCLA brings some big changes at the top into this match-up. UCLA looked great against the Volunteers, but how much of their own press clippings have they been reading? How good is Tennessee? And more importantly, is it possible for the Bruins to show up to a game that’s on the road and not in prime time?

Probably not.


BYU 34 UCLA 21
ATS – BYU
SU – BYU

Ohio State @ USC -10.5:

The game that everyone circled on their calendar months ago is finally here. The spirit of the game has been dampened a bit by the injury to Chris Wells and Ohio State’s near-loss at the hands of Ohio last week, but OSU is an experienced team that plays good defense and doesn’t turn the ball over. That will keep you in many ballgames.

USC is the more talented team and will win, but this one will be close in the fourth quarter. If USC does blow them out after reading how good they are for two weeks…watch out rest of the college football world.

USC 24 Ohio State 17
ATS – Ohio State
SU – USC

Georgia -7 @ South Carolina:

After looking like the old 90210 against NC State, the Gamecocks looked like the new 90210 against Vanderbilt last week, without the benefit of AnnaLynne McCord to look at. Steve Spurrier still hasn’t found a quarterback (or hell, any skill players on offense), and you simply can’t win in the SEC on a regular basis without playmakers.

Georgia doesn’t seem to be showing many ill effects of a turbulent off-season, with Matthew Stafford looking like a viable quarterback alongside running back Knowshon Moreno. The defense has shown some holes, but has shown before it’s formidable when it needs to be.

South Carolina has the defense to pull off the upset, but their offense is just dreadful.

Georgia 28 South Carolina 17
ATS – Georgia
SU – Georgia

Kansas @ South Florida -3.5 (Friday):

This will be a good test for Kansas. Many were wondering how good they were really were coming into this season, saying that the Jayhawks benefited from an easy schedule last year. South Florida had a decent Cinderella run last year, and return many of the same players that made them dangerous last year.

I think Kansas is in trouble here. Yeah, it was UCF and Tenn-Martin, but South Florida has (statistically) the #1 defense in the land, and while that one dimension is good, Kansas is more one-dimensional this year.

I don’t know if it’s really an upset since they are favored, but give me South Florida at home in front of a raucous Friday night crowd.

South Florida 27 Kansas 23
ATS – South Florida
SU – South Florida

Oklahoma -20 @ Washington:

Tyrone Willingham can’t catch a break. And unfortunately I think the only thing they’ll catch this week is an ass-whippin’. Not a good week to be feeling sorry for yourself.

Oklahoma 51 Washington 20
ATS – Oklahoma
SU – Oklahoma

Arkansas @ Texas -24:

Nevermind.

Sigh.


ATS –
SU –

We’ll replace this game with another Big 12 game…

SMU @ Texas Tech -36.5:

SMU has given up 466 yards to Rice, and 465 to Texas State.

SMU = wood shanty, Texas Tech = Ike.

Texas Tech 66 SMU 21
ATS – Texas Tech
SU – Texas Tech

Random Hot Dallas Chick



For entertainment purposes only. Save your money for hurricane insurance.

Go Away Ike!


It's looking more and more like there is not going to be a game on Saturday.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Week That Will Be (9.05)

Last Week: -- 3-3 ATS 4-2 SU
For the Year: -- (.500) (-$30) ATS (.667) SU


What we learned last week: We learned that Hawaii football is for all intents and purposes dead…We learned that Chase Daniel may very well win the Heisman, but the only crystal the Tigers will be getting with that defense is from Tiffany’s…We learned that a healthy and successful Mark Sanchez means absolute trouble for the rest of the country…Pete Carroll > Bob Stoops > Dennis Franchione > Mike Sherman > Rich Kotite > Tommy Bowden…Phil Fulmer is the new Ron Zook…Texas might be in better shape than we thought this year.

Anyhow…

Back in El Paso my life would be worthless.
Everything's gone in life; nothing is left.
It's been so long since I've seen the young maiden
My love is stronger than my fear of death. – Marty Robbins, El Paso


Now try getting that song out of your head before the weekend ends.

The Longhorns travel to El Paso this weekend to take on the UTEP Miners, the first meeting between the two schools in the West Texas town that is in a different time zone from the rest of the state.

This is also the first meeting between the two teams since the Longhorns defeated the then College of Mines 22-6 in 1933. The news account of that game could be found nestled in between news of Hurricane Sixteen hitting Haiti, an advertisement for the new nightclub that is surely the cat’s meow, news of the Yankees falling 8 games behind the Washington Senators, and a letter to the editor about how Prohibition being repealed 6 months earlier will be the death of this country.

Sidebar: Can you imagine a tailgate during prohibition days? Well, we don’t want to picture our women in dusters, so let’s imagine a tailgate now but there being a prohibition on alcohol. We’d argue every week over who would go get the keg of Dr. Pepper, while hanging banners for Diet Dr. Pepper alongside our tents. We might actually remember the fourth quarter of games, and drinks would no doubt still cost $5 in the alumni center. The tailgate across the way would play Drinko for shots of Sprite while UT students would be busted for making their own wine to sell to tailgaters. And of course, our tailgate would have moonshine. So maybe things wouldn’t be that different.

Anyways, this is the Longhorns first trip to El Paso since the 1994 Sun Bowl, where the 7-4 Longhorns, coming off a thrilling 63-35 win over Baylor on Thanksgiving Day, played the North Carolina Tar Heels, coached by one……Mack Brown.

The Horns were down 31-28 with 5:41 remaining in the game when James Brown and the offense took the ball at their own 32 yard line. But the star of that game was running back Priest Holmes, who on that drive caught an 11 yard pass and rushed 6 times for 32 yards, including a diving touchdown with 1:17 remaining to give the Horns a 35-31 victory. Holmes ran for 4 touchdowns that day, tying a UT record for most rushing touchdowns in a bowl game.


Mack Brown in 1994?

Why go over a game that occurred 14 years ago, hopefully not just because it featured Mack Brown and the Longhorns in El Paso, right? I’m not risking getting you in trouble with your IT department just to talk about old Longhorn football games, right?

Nope, it’s because what Priest Holmes represents to Longhorn tradition, the 2008 Longhorns must find that inside them.

Holmes led his San Antonio-area high school team to the state championship, then decided to pursue his collegiate career at the University of Texas, where he was expected to be the centerpiece of an offense that was going to be guided by famed offensive mind John Mackovic.

Injuries and the emergence of a star fullback named Ricky Williams slowed Holmes at Texas, however, turning a potential star career into a few iconic games. After floundering for a few years as an undrafted free agent in Baltimore, Holmes moved on to Kansas City, where he earned Player of the Year honors in 2002.

Holmes never was the star, however, even when he was winning POY and helping geeks everywhere win their fantasy football leagues, he wasn’t on the Wheaties box, wasn’t starring in Nike commercials and wasn’t dating supermodels and jetting across the country.

The Longhorns had a great week last week. Colt McCoy had an outstanding day, the defense settled down after the half, all in all, Mack Brown couldn’t have asked for much more. But the stat that stood out to me the most was this:

TD – Cody Johnson rushed up the middle for 1 yard gain
TD – Chris Ogbonnaya pass from Colt McCoy for 2 yard gain
TD – Jordan Shipley pass from Colt McCoy for 9 yard gain
TD – Colt McCoy rushed to the right for 2 yard gain
TD – Vondrell McGee rushed to the right for 7 yard gain
TD – Blaine Irby pass from Colt McCoy for 5 yard gain
TD – James Kirkendoll pass from John Chiles for 29 yard gain

7 touchdowns. 7 different players crossing the goal line.

If the Longhorns are to succeed in 2008, they need to realize, to borrow a phrase from basketball coach Rick Pitino, that Vince Young is not walking through that door.

Now, I know that I’ve stressed that for two years now, but perhaps last week was a sign that this team is starting to come together and play like a team, and not like a team who thinks they are entitled to win because of the name on the front of their jersey.

Whispers out of the locker room this summer were that the cliques that dominated the locker room for the past two years are gone, that the star players from the national championship team are gone, and therefore the divisiveness that permeated the halls of Neuhaus-Royal was swept away along with the dust from the NEZ construction.

Look at any pre-season college football magazine, and you’ll struggle to find a Texas player listed in the top of any position in the Big 12. Colt McCoy? He’s buried underneath Chase Daniel, Graham Harrell, Todd Reising, and Sam Bradford. And maybe the magazines are right. It’s hard to argue with the numbers from last year.

But this isn’t to say that Texas isn’t loaded with talent. A lot of teams would kill to have players like Vondrell McGee starting for them, or Malcolm Williams as a third receiver. But in order to win games in 2008, the Longhorns can’t rely on one player, as they did even last year when Jamaal Charles single-handily won games against Nebraska and Oklahoma State.

It will take efforts like Saturday, where the offense was hitting on all cylinders, but also kept the defense guessing. But beyond the numbers, the Longhorns need to learn to win as a team in order to ward off the losses, and the bad wins, that this team has fallen prey to the last two years.

And that process starts Saturday night in El Paso.

The Longhorns were favored heavily against Central Florida last year, but let a 20 point underdog hang around most of the game, until the Horns hung on by their fingernails (what was left of them) to win 35-32. That game, along with a nail-biter against Arkansas State to open the year, were harbingers to the rest of 2007, a frustrating year that resulted in a 10-3 record that looks good in the media guide but not so good in the Longhorn fans’ memory banks.

The Longhorns are vastly more talented than UTEP. This is one of those games in the video game world where you try to get as many yards as possible for your running back or quarterback to pad their stats for the Heisman Trophy run. The 27 point spread is only that low because it’s in El Paso.

We’ve heard how every spot is up for grabs, about how this team is going to show up in every game this year (scary that the coaches have to reassure us this), about how practices ever since the weeks leading up to the Holiday Bowl win over Arizona State have been intense, about how Will Muschamp brings a swagger to this team…

Well Saturday night is Exhibit A.

Win in convincing fashion, and the Longhorns can use the game as a springboard into a rivalry match-up with Arkansas next week and then into conference play and most importantly, the OU game.

Muddle around and win a close one, and it’s just more of the same from 2007, and we’d better prepare to a 10 win season being our high goal and possibly unattainable with Oklahoma, Missouri, Texas Tech and Kansas on the schedule.

Lose, and well this will be the last column I write because I’ll become a monk and take a vow of silence because football just won’t be that damn interesting anymore.

UTEP isn’t as good as they were a couple years ago, but head coach Mike Price is still 10th among active coaches in victories, and they’re every bit as good as Central Florida was last season. They’re treating this game as their BCS Bowl in El Paso, with the Sun Bowl enjoying a rare sell-out. It’s on national television, which just feeds the frenzy even more.

Do not fear the death that may come chasing after the young maiden.

Marty Robbins rode in as a gunslinger. We ride in as a posse.

Note: Due to overwhelming response (okay one response), I’ve decided to do the Facebook Status Messages all year.

Facebook Status Messages

Bill Byrne commented on Kyle Field’s Wall:

“I was really impressed with the cleanliness of stadium. We work extremely hard in the off-season to power wash and clean Kyle Field, but we still have bat and bird residue reappear no matter how close to game-time we clean. I wish we could find a way to discourage the presence of these creatures, but the bats are a protected mammal in Texas.” Add comment asking Bill what about the pieces of shit on the field!

Stephen McGee and Chris Simms are now friends!

Brandon Collins is wondering how the f*ck some people in the financial aid office receive a paycheck.

Frank Alexander has thrown a knife at you! Throw a knife at Frank Alexander in a Norman bar!

Mike Price is wondering why we scheduled the Buffalo Bills. Wat.

Tatum Bell is now a fan of Gucci Luggage!

Steve Spurrier and Todd Beecher are no longer friends.

Tommy Bowden joined the Looking For D-1 Job group.

The nation is hoping that Chris Wells misses a few weeks so Ohio State will drop a couple of games.

Hurricane Gustav is up in your stadiums, canceling your games.

Georgia and The Coaches Poll are no longer in a relationship.

Phil Fulmer is F MONOPOLY.

Will Muschamp joined the group We Don’t Need No Stinking Band-Aids.

On to the games...

South Carolina -10.5 @ Vanderbilt:

The Gamecocks started slow last week, but eventually throttled NC State to the tune of 34-0, only allowing 138 yards. Vanderbilt had a nice win of their own, beating Miami of Ohio 34-13. South Carolina quarterback left Tommy Beecher left the game with an injury and 4 interceptions to go along with the strained ego. Tommy Beecher sounds like a television detective, no?

Matthew Perry stars as Miami PD detective Tommy Beecher, this fall on ABC…

South Carolina 27 Vanderbilt 14
ATS – South Carolina
SU – South Carolina

Oregon State @ Penn State -16.5:

Penn State took down Nobody State last week, while Oregon State lost a mild shocker to Stanford. On paper, it looks like Penn State all the way…

But then you remember that Penn State is in the Big 10, and the Big 10 is about as athletic as our tailgate. Oregon State might be out-physicalled (new word!) but they’ll put up some points…and might win the game.

Penn State 31 Oregon State 28
ATS – Oregon State
SU – Penn State

Miami (FL) @ Florida -21:

2001 called, it wants it’s interesting match-up back.

Yikes, Miami played 21 true freshmen last week? And are relying on a freshman quarterback (albeit a redshirt freshman)? Miami is close…but too much going against them here.

Florida 41 Miami 17
ATS – Florida
SU – Florida

Texas A&M -3 @ New Mexico:

New Mexico lost 26-3 to TCU last week, while the Aggies took 2 years off the end of Dave South’s life.

The Mike Sherman era got off to a rough start in College Station, as Arkansas State rolled up 404 yards on the Aggies, including 255 on the ground. Wow.

If the Aggies lose this one, they are truly in trouble. New Mexico is out-matched here.

Texas A&M 27 New Mexico 20
ATS – Texas A&M
SU – Texas A&M

Cincinnati @ Oklahoma -21.5:

This one could be interesting. Cincinnati had some good games last year, but this isn’t South Florida they are facing here.

The Sooners had a glorified scrimmage against Tennessee-Chattanooga last week, and this will be the best opponent until they play Texas in Dallas.

I can see the Bearcats playing well in this one, but going on the road to Norman is way out of their element.

Oklahoma 48 Cincinnati 21
ATS – Oklahoma
SU – Oklahoma

Texas -27 @ UTEP:

Well, I was a little more worried about this one before last week, when UTEP went into Buffalo and lost 45-17, giving up 484 total yards and 263 to Turner Gill’s squad. And if they weren’t giving up the yards on the ground, UTEP gave up 22 yards per completion to a MAC team.

Texas is thought to be slightly better than Buffalo this year.

Sophomore quarterback Trevor Vittatoe is a good one, throwing for 3,101 yards, 25 touchdowns and only 7 interceptions last season. But he threw 3 interceptions last week against Buffalo, and we all know how brutal a sophomore slump can be.

UTEP is 3-43 against ranked opponents, and that certainly shouldn’t change here.

The wedding scene in Kill Bill took place in El Paso, Texas. Just sayin'. Do it.

Texas 58 UTEP 17
ATS – Texas
SU – Texas

Random Hot Dallas Chick



For entertainment purposes only. Save your money for UT-Austin Longhorns shirts.