The Week That Will Be (09.12.09)

Last Week: 1-5 ATS 3-3 SU
For the Year: 1-5 (.167) (-$450) ATS 3-3 (.500) SU

What we learned last week: We learned that my ATS record for last week was about as good as Jordan Jefferson at quarterback for LSU. You know how when hurricanes are really bad they retire their names? Well Jordan Jefferson is no more, he is now referred to as QB #1 for LSU….We learned that my ATS record for last week was about as good as state of Florida defenses. Florida is excused from this conversation, but all that speed on FSU and Miami was very apparent when they ran past the guy they were supposed to be covering and/or tackling. Jacory Harris is the real deal, however, and is easily the most exciting player in the ACC already….We learned that my ATS record for last week was about as good as Virginia Tech’s defense. You can use the Darren Evans excuse for your offense, but he didn’t play defense and there is no reason to give up 498 yards to a very average Alabama offense. And why does Virginia Tech use the wildcat formation all the time? Where is their real quarterback? What? Tyrod Taylor isn’t their wildcat quarterback? And this is a Top 10 team to start the year?.....We learned that my ATS record for last week was about as good as the Illinois rebuilding project. What? Illinois had the returning quarterback and NFL prospect receiver coming back? What the hell kind of world are we living in? Blaine Gabbert in all seriousness made me realize that the week between OU and Oklahoma State is no longer an off-week. Missouri is here to stay…..We learned that my ATS record for last week is about as good as Oklahoma’s offensive line, as about as good as Sam Bradford’s decision to come back to school, about as good as Bob Stoops in games away from Norman, about as good as Landry Jones’s mustache...I can go all night….And finally, we learned that my ATS record for last week is about as good as the Longhorns’ 4th quarter defensive effort. 60 MINUTES GENTLEMEN!

Anyhow…

This week we steal Bill Simmons’s shtick (hey when I get paid for these I’ll form my own shtick), and we’ll give you a national college football preview with help from the summer blockbuster The Hangover.

Listen, we f*#@ed up, we lost Doug. What? We’re getting married in *five* hours. Yeah…that’s not gonna happen.

Bob Stoops lost Sam Bradford, and he didn’t even get a night with Mike Tyson’s tiger, a hospital trip from Wayne Newton and didn’t even get to attend a wedding.

Sam Bradford and Jermaine Gresham came back to Oklahoma to win a national championship….yeah, that’s not gonna happen. OU’s defense is still formidable, and they still have enough playmakers on offense to win most of their games, but their season hinged on Bradford and Gresham staying healthy, and that didn’t last until the first punt hit the JerryTron. Bradford is supposedly going to be back in 2-4 weeks, but given the uncertainty surrounding the situation, you have to wonder if that is just wishful thinking for Stoops, and soon he’s going to have to call Tracy from the side of the road while roofies talk occurs behind him.

Would you please some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.

Oklahoma State is used to losing their pants in the big games, but this year they’ve already surprised a few media scribes by winning a game they were favored in last week against Georgia. Sure, Georgia looked as if the whole offense had the swine flu, but it was still a quality win against a quality opponent, a step that Oklahoma State must take in order to go to the next level.

They’ll get plenty of chances in the Big 12 for those types of games this year, and we’ll see if they’ve really put their pants on yet.

And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later.

Tim 8 Pound 6 Ounce Lord Baby Tebow already has his Heisman, Sam Bradford can prop up his bad arm on his Heisman, and now it’s time for another to join the wolfpack….Colt McCoy. It tells you how good McCoy was last year when a 21/29 for 317 yard performance in the first game is looked upon as a step down from last season.

The Heisman Trophy is rarely given to one person twice, so McCoy has to be the favorite at this point, and if he repeats his 2008, it will be his, easily.

This isn’t the real Caesar’s Palace, is it? What do you mean? Did um, did Caesar live here? No. I didn’t think so.

In 30 years, when Florida is meandering to a 5-7 record at Tim 8 Pound 6 Ounces Lord Baby Tebow Field, youngsters across Gainesville will wonder if the great Tim Tebow actually played here, and strain to hear his cheesy halftime speeches stolen from the monologue of Dawson Freakin’ Leery in a bad high school football movie. They will then sigh heavily as a LSU receiver hauls in another TD pass in front of Touchdown Tebow hanging over the north end zone.

Tigers love pepper….they hate cinnamon.

Apparently Tigers hate quarterbacks and defense, too, if the last fourteen games from LSU mean anything. We’re finally realizing what Les Miles did to win the championship in 2007, he sold his soul to the football devil, and is now stuck with the likes of QB #1 for the rest of his coaching life. I’m guessing we’ll see him in Jacksonville, Kansas City or some other NFL port very soon.

Not you, fat Jesus

Mississippi might be the best challenger to Florida in the SEC, but does anyone really think that a Houston Nutt coached team will be in a BCS bowl, much less the national championship game?

Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-f*#$ing his corpse! That’s highly unlikely.

USC appeared to be dead in the water when the favorite to win the quarterback job Aaron Corp went down with an injury in summer practices and true freshman Matt Barkley was handed the job, but USC responded with a 56-3 win over San Jose State in the first week and are big favorites this week against Ohio State. San Jose State won’t be confused for 22 Tebows anytime soon, but in a weekend where some struggled, USC showed that a great offensive line and a very good defense will take you far in this sport.

How’s my hair? That’s good. It’s cool like Phil’s? It’s classic Phil.

Notre Dame is trying to get their swagger back, and looked convincing in a blowout of pretty decent Nevada last week. It will take a few more wins like that before sane people and not senile commentators that must hold naked pictures of the ESPN president like Lou Holtz think that Notre Dame is on their way back. But for once, the talk around South Bend is positive.

Not at the table, Carlos!

Please take away Kenny Chesney. Please. We can all realize that it was a horrible, horrible idea and just duck quickly into the night, right ESPN? I want to hear drum cadences and fight songs, not a poca-shelled fake cowboy who looks like he’s trying too hard to be on the new Melrose Place?

By the way man, where did you get that cop car from? We uh, stole it from those dumbass cops. Nice! High Five there!

Who is most likely to steal the national championship from the prohibitive favorites? Alabama looked mighty good against Virginia Tech, and if their offense plays like that all season, then they could very well win the SEC. Mississippi as we mentioned above could do it if they overcome their past. Penn State and Ohio State benefit from a weak Big Ten schedule and could find themselves in Pasadena. Oklahoma State and Cal are right there, as well.

If anything, we should get a reward. Yeah…a reward, or a trophy!

And of course the prohibitive favorites are Florida and Texas. Call me a homer, but it looks like the Longhorns’ year with their ridiculous weapons on offense and a defense that will lean heavily on senior leadership in the front seven and young talent in the secondary.

And, at the end of the year, we’ll all settle in a chair and check out the ridiculous pictures from our tailgate as the credits roll.


FACEBOOK NEWS FEED

Sam Bradford is no longer in a relationship with Jermaine Gresham.

LaGarrette Blount has joined the group Eugene Fight Club.

Byron Hout has joined the group I Got Knocked The F*#@ OUT on National TV.

Jim Tressell > Terrelle Pryor: Shut up and run the ball, TP.

Kenny Chesney has a bout of laryngitis.
America likes this.

Dan Hawkins I’ll coach my team like Little League Baseball and start my son every game if I want to!

Versus and DirecTv have joined the group F YOU TEXAS FANS.

On to the games...

UCLA @ Tennessee -7.5:

Last year UCLA beat a ranked Tennessee team at the Rose Bowl in a game that was the beginning of the end for Phil Fulmer. Yes, it was only Western Kentucky, but the Vols had a very encouraging 63-7 win to start their season last week, and look to carry that momentum here.

UCLA, meanwhile, had a mediocre 33-14 win over San Diego State. Look for Tennessee to continue their roll here.

Tennessee 37 UCLA 17
ATS – Tennessee
SU – Tennessee

Notre Dame -3.5 @ Michigan:

Notre Dame handled the spread offense of Nevada very well last week, but while Nevada is a very solid opponent, they don’t have the athletes that Michigan has.

This one is hard to pick because both teams were so bad last year but made strides in their first game this year. Jimmy Clausen has been very good in the last two games, but this week we’ll see if he can do it in a hostile atmosphere.

The underdog has won 8 of the last 10 meetings between these two, and I see that trend continuing.

Michigan 27 Notre Dame 24
ATS – Michigan
SU – Michigan

USC -7 @ Ohio State:
The Buckeyes had a rough start last week, struggling on defense while allowing Navy to run for 186 yards and frankly, out-coach them. Navy looked like the aggressor, the role that you would think Ohio State would play at home in Terrelle Pryor’s first year as unquestioned starter.

USC has had their problems at quarterback, but they still have the stable of running backs, an outstanding offensive line, and a defense patrolled by Taylor Mays. Look for USC to stack the line, dare Pryor to beat them through the air, and get enough on offense to open things up for Barkley.

USC 34 Ohio State 21
ATS – USC
SU – USC

Houston @ Oklahoma State -15.5:

This one can be tough if Oklahoma State rests on their laurels and is satisfied with the win over Georgia. Houston is a very dangerous team, one that can put a lot of points on the board very quickly.

But…Houston isn’t as good on the road. They lost to Rice and Marshall on the road late last season, and struggled to beat SMU in another. Look for OSU to get their offense going early and often.

Oklahoma State 48 Houston 28
ATS – Oklahoma State
SU – Oklahoma State

Rice @ Texas Tech -26.5:

Texas Tech didn’t look as sharp last week, but Rice lost by 20 to UAB. UAB will never be confused as the next Texas Tech.

Texas Tech 51 Rice 17
ATS – Texas Tech
SU – Texas Tech

Texas -33.5 @ Wyoming:

Wyoming gave up 322 passing yards to Weber State last week. Oh no.

Texas 63 Wyoming 14
ATS – Texas
SU – Texas

Random Hot Dallas Chick



For entertainment purposes only. Save your money for oxygen tanks in Laramie.