For the Year: - 15-8-1 (.652) ($620) ATS 21-3 (.875) SU
What we learned last week: We learned that Les Miles is still up to his gambling ways, and like they say in Vegas, those casinos were built on luck. LSU is going to have to man up and beat someone without resorting to miracle fourth down plays and halfback passes again all season…We learned that Tennessee isn’t even the best team in its own state now. Phil Fulmer might want to find a realtor….We learned that perhaps I shouldn’t rely on anyone in the Pac-10 besides USC to show up this year. Big props to Georgia on getting it done in the desert…We learned that West Virginia head coach Bill Stewart is probably in over his head, and West Virginia is probably headed back to third-tier status once Pat White leaves…We learned that Michael Goodson probably wants a do-over on his choice of colleges right about now…We learned that it’s all fine and dandy for Texas right now, but Colt McCoy can’t be the leading rusher all year and beat teams other than Rice.
Anyhow…
I’ve never been one for pre-season polls. Far too often the teams that we think are worth a damn aren’t worth a damn and the ones that aren’t supposed to be worth a damn are worth a damn. That’s a lotta damns and a lotta worths. But now that we’re a few weeks into the season, we have a better idea of who is what and how fat Houston Nutt has gotten. So here’s a damn poll that’s completely worthless, Matt’s Top 20 Poll:
20. Oregon Hey, look! Another Pac-10 team in the Top 20! The Ducks probably won’t be here long, however. They’ve already used 4 quarterbacks this year, and none of them are named Dennis Dixon. Autzen Stadium isn’t even the formidable place it used to be. They’ve lost 2 of their last 4 there.
19. Boise State How many years of eligibility does Ian Johnson have? Is he on the Justin McLemore plan? There are senior senators that have been in Congress for less time than Johnson has been in the backfield for the Broncos. ER had it’s pilot in Johnson’s freshman season. Has he divorced the cheerleader yet?
18. Utah [Tries to think of something witty to say about Utah…gets bored and checks his Google Reader…scrunches face….takes sip of water…flips through the channels…shrugs]
17. Kansas KU basketball players Darrell Arthur and Mario Chalmers were recently dismissed from a NBA rookie orientation session because officials found marijuana in their hotel room. Can’t you just imagine Mark Mangino hitting the bong in his hotel room and designing new formations and plays? Isn’t this the most plausible reason on how you get that fat? Whatever they’re doing, it’s working in Lawrence.
16. Ohio State Don’t you just look at Ohio State and think Buffalo Bills? Would it really surprise you if Beanie Wells lost his helmet on the sideline this year? But you already know what is going to happen. The Buckeyes are going to keep winning games by a field goal or a late interception. They’ll keep doing this all the way to the Rose Bowl, and there will be talk of a “rejuvenated” Buckeye team, who now has a healthy Wells…and then they’ll get stomped by Missouri or whatever team gets sent out there to replace USC.
15. Auburn In a recent poll, 86% of Americans said that they’d rather watch Hole in the Wall than watch Auburn football, while 10% said they’d rather watch the Ninja Cat video on Break.com. The other 4% were either Auburn fans or in a coma.
14. South FloridaOkay we’re sure this isn’t a HBO sitcom about a so-so college football team with ugly uniforms and a goofy mascot? If I have to watch SF coach Jim Leavitt’s goofy ass in one more game of consequence I’m going to join the 4% that are in a coma.
13. BYU Isn’t Bronco Mendenhall a great name? Any chance I can get you guys to start calling me Bronco Mendenhall? And aren’t we glad that Rashard Mendenhall didn’t get drafted by the Bronco’s right now? Wouldn’t that have made Chris Berman’s head explode? On the other hand…
12. Wake Forest I’ve tried, and I just can’t take Wake Forest seriously. Maybe Wake Forest needs some thugs on their team to be a true college powerhouse. Does Josh Howard have any football eligibility? Maybe Mark Cuban knew what he was doing by not taking Arthur and Chalmers? And how come I always get hungry for cake when I hear Wake Forest? How many questions can I ask in one capsule?
11. Penn State Okay, usually I’ll take a shot at Joe Paterno when I write about Penn State, but I won’t do it here. It’s perfectly okay that Paterno is coaching from the booth after being listed on the injury report for (age), and it’s perfectly okay that this week’s Texas/Arkansas game is the 26th meeting of the two programs (and only the 4th since 1991) since Dick Nixon pissed off Joe Paterno by proclaiming that the winner of the 1969 Texas/Arkansas game would be the nation’s best. And it’s perfectly okay that Dick Nixon was President in Paterno’s coaching life and that Mad Men is almost to the Joe Paterno era starting at Penn State.
10. Wisconsin Wisconsin somehow manages year after year to have a team more boring than Ohio State. In fact, Penn State is the most exciting team in the Big Ten, and their coach has been there since the LBJ Library was a parking lot. Or a grass field. Hell I don’t know, I’m not a historian. But they’re another one of those teams that will piss all of us off by running through their schedule with 1 loss (they play Ohio State and Illinois at home), then go to some New Year’s Day bowl and spare us all to death with a 17-13 snooze fest, while we’re pissed that we either had to get up at the crack of dawn to go to the Cotton Bowl or played on Thursday in the Holiday Bowl and these people are getting the favorable timeslot. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
9. Texas Tech You know something is amiss when the Red Raiders rank #3 in the country in total offense, #8 in scoring offense, #1 in passing offense, but we’re wondering what is wrong with their offense. We should, of course, keep with tradition (the Aggies will claim this one soon) and worry about Tech’s defense, which has given up 24 points to Eastern Washington and 14 to Massachusetts. The Red Raiders have a brutal road schedule (@ Kansas State, @ Texas A&M (haha), @ Kansas and @ Oklahoma), so it looks like more of the same this year for Tech….8 or 9 wins and a second or third tier bowl. Maybe Tech will get to play BYU. Bronco Mendenhall kinda sounds like a pirate name.
8. Alabama Whoa Nellie! Music to any college football fan’s ears. Nick Saban’s rebuilding job appears to be well underway in Tuscaloosa, which is good for college football fans because everyone in the SEC is bound to get pissed off at him and the Tide. In fact with Saban, Steve Spurrier, Les Miles, Urban Meyer, Houston Nutt and others in that conference, it’s a wonder that the pre-season coaches meetings don’t dissolve into jello wrestling matches and steel chairs across heads. Maybe they’re waiting for the SEC Channel.
7. Texas It’s been a quiet few months for the Longhorns. When the biggest controversy is Lamarr Houston getting arrested for DUI (and everyone forgetting about it 3 days later), things are good. But we know how quickly that can change in Austin. Colt McCoy is widely considered at best the 4th best quarterback in the conference (behind Daniel, Bradford and Harrell), but he’s #3 in the country in passing efficiency (Bradford is #2). Besides Bradford and McCoy, there are four other Big 12 quarterbacks in the Top 10 in passing efficiency (Daniel #4, Zac Robinson #8, Robert Griffin #9 and Josh Freeman #10). If McCoy keeps up in that company, the Longhorns will be just fine.
6. LSU Les Miles is like The Joker in The Dark Knight. Sure, he’s amusing. He pisses you off sometimes. He’s ugly. Can’t really speak that well. Pulls interesting tricks (The halfback pass is Les Miles’ Pencil Trick). But you keep watching, because you know that at the end, he’s going to get his. Les Miles will get his one day. Let’s just hope he doesn’t dress up in a nurse’s outfit.
5. Georgia You have to wonder why Georgia keeps winning. Terrible pass defense. Limited play-making ability on offense. Good, but not great, offense. But still, they keep on winning. What was the last national champion that utilized an alternate jersey? And then there’s that whole Mark Richt looking like Helen Hunt thing people keep talking about. How is Georgia ever going to ever figure out that mess?
4. Missouri Nobody has quite figured out how Missouri keeps winning ballgames since they are after all…Missouri…and coached by Gary Pinkel, but whatever, they’re good. In fact you would have to think they could beat the St. Louis Rams and Kansas City Chiefs, no? Trent Green, Damon Huard, Taylor Thigpen, is Chase Daniel not better than they are? The Rams should just sign Steve Deberg and get it over with.
3. Florida Florida is winning with defense, which isn’t usually a staple of an Urban Meyer team, but I’m sure he’ll take it. You’d have to think that sooner or later Tim Tebow will get it going, but right now he’s taking this Heisman quarterback curse a bit too much to heart. But they had better watch out, the Big 10 will come calling if they continue this boring football.
2. Oklahoma You might as well give Oklahoma a spot in a BCS bowl now. Their toughest game the rest of the way is in Dallas against Texas. Get past that one and they have Kansas and Nebraska at home, don’t have to play Missouri in the regular season, and the toughest road-trip is to Stillwater. People have harder daily commutes than that. Now if Oklahoma can just figure out how to win a BCS bowl, their fans would probably appreciate that.
1. USC The Trojans are ranked #1, their toughest road game the rest of the season is @ Arizona and they have Vincent Chase at quarterback, what is not to love? I’m sure it’s hard finding room for Turtle, Drama and E on the sidelines, but this is USC, this is what they do. Speaking of Entourage, let’s make Vinny Chase on top of Hollywood again. That’s when this show is at its best, when they’re going to parties at Jessica Alba’s house, when there are naked chicks everywhere, and Ari is on top of the agent world. Oh, and bring back Emmanuelle Chriqui.
Facebook Status Messages
Emmitt Smith wrote on Jeff Pearlman’s wall: “Why you going off and making a mountain out of an anthill?”
Pat White has joined the group I am now irrelevant.
East Carolina and the BCS are no longer in a relationship.
Mike Teel is taking swings at punk ass bitches.
June Jones is wanting a Mai Tai.
Robert Griffin joined the group How the hell did Robert Griffin end up at Baylor?
On to the games...
Tennessee @ Auburn -6:
The Vols aren’t doing much right this year. They can’t score, they can’t defend, hell they can’t even punt right (#118 in the nation). About the only thing they can do is return kicks, and that’s because they have so much practice.
Auburn isn’t exciting, but they are a more sound team, and they have better coaching.
Auburn 23 Tennessee 14
ATS – Auburn
SU – Auburn
Alabama @ Georgia -7:
Georgia announced this week that they will wear their special black jerseys for this game, in which Alabama responded by Nick Saban wearing his black Alabama polo to the news conference on Monday and then the strength and conditioning coach (of all people) proclaiming it’s because Georgia is going to a funeral.
Salty.
Georgia 21 Alabama 17
ATS – Alabama
SU – Georgia
Illinois @ Penn State -15:
Penn State is playing as well as anyone in the country right now, while Illinois has had two weeks off to digest a three point win over Louisiana-Lafayette. Juice Williams is always a wild card, but I’m thinking Penn State might just be the Big 10’s best this year.
Penn State 34 Illinois 17
ATS – Penn State
SU – Penn State
Colorado @ Florida State -5.5:
Colorado somehow won last week despite looking like Texas A&M for the last three quarters, while Florida State couldn’t muster up much against a tough Wake Forest defense. The Seminoles won this one last year in Boulder, and I don’t see this one being much different.
Florida State 26 Colorado 20
ATS – Florida State
SU – Florida State
TCU @ Oklahoma -18.5:
The Horned Frogs bring the nation’s #1 defense to Norman, but Oklahoma isn’t SMU, Stanford, New Mexico or Stephen F. Austin. The Horned Frogs have won in their last two trips to Norman, but John Blake isn’t around this time.
Oklahoma 45 TCU 17
ATS – Oklahoma
SU – Oklahoma
Arkansas @ Texas -27.5:
Arkansas is a mess. The 93rd rushing attack in the nation. The 94th rush defense. 101st in the nation in scoring defense. 115th in the nation in turnover margin. 115th in the nation in sacks allowed.
And that’s all at home.
And their quarterback is a real Dick (sorry). Throwing for 58% completion percentage this year, with 5 touchdowns to 4 interceptions.
They’re beyond awful…the Longhorns should slaughter them. But will they? Will they come out with the same emotion and fire that Arkansas will? Can they put down a team from an elite conference like the SEC?
I think Texas can get a quality win here…but that spread is too big against a foe like Arkansas that will be treating this as their BCS bowl.
Texas 41 Arkansas 17
ATS – Arkansas
SU – Texas
Random Hot Dallas Chick
For entertainment purposes only. Save your money for BLTs.
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