Like ice on a frozen pond, the morning dew lays upon the Earth, only to be rippled by a tent spike being hammered into the ground. The day is still young, and most are still in bed sleeping off a Friday night preceded by a rough work week. The tent that has been in hibernation for 9 long months unfurls, the white billowing a sharp contrast to the clear blue sky above it.
Across the way, a pick-up truck that will be replaced by a fuel-efficient vehicle the day Bob Wills is no longer the king tugs a smoker down the broad street, stopping at a red light. The driver taps that familiar tune on the door jamb, nodding his head towards the couple crossing the road that seem to have an extra hop in their step than the usual Saturday morning.
In the middle of town, grocery store employees arrive to work with people already waiting for them, tapping their foot as they wait until the government allows them to buy that favorite adult beverage for them and 100 of their closest friends.
High definition television sets set upon lavish trailers with beer taps extending from them show familiar faces from years past, flickering over the buffet table that still awaits the feast that will devour it very soon.
Nearby, a bus is loaded with the warriors of the day, dressed in the athletic wear of the day on their bodies, and the technological advances in their ears passes a tailgater’s oasis of an ice truck as it rumbles down the boulevard. The moving oasis stops at a stop sign, letting the nomadic masses make their way to their familiar autumn vacation home, or to the biergarten that serves as a watering hole for some, and a de-watering hole for others.
Elsewhere, dozens of others pull on their polyester pants, slip those suspenders over their shoulders, put on that cumbersome jacket that just isn’t fit for these temperatures, slip the hat over their heads and gather in formation for the familiar waltz to the arena that hasn’t been performed in two years.
The drum cadence begins, the energy up the street pulsating with every strike upon the taught film, until everyone in their path just can’t help clapping their hands and stomping their feet.
Inside the arena, the fresh white helmets glisten, the recognizable logo of the flagship university of the state intimidating to the guys on the other side of the field that have only seen it on television.
The sun begins it’s descent down the sky as tailgaters begin to pack up their belongings and get one more “for the road.” They are greeted by the sounds of the stadium as they make that long trek, the smiles on the faces reminiscent of a kid attending his first baseball game. They get into the stadium, walk up the tunnel, and there it is, that grass as lush and green as the 18th fairway at Augusta.
They make their way to their seats, and haven’t had a chance to put their Coca Cola down before the music stops, the camera crews focus, the TV guys throw it to commercial, the cheerleaders and those lovely co-eds in the chaps have settled in, the band director climbs the ladder in his crisp khaki sports coat and 95,000 people raise their hand in unison as the familiar voice bellows from the gigantic scoreboard at the other end of the arena.
Ladies and gentlemen…The Eyes of Texas.
To paraphrase a line from the late and great Texas Rangers announcer Mark Holtz…
It’s football time in Texas.
Everyone is 0-0, and everyone has a chance at the national championship (well, except for the 104 teams that can’t climb high enough in the polls even if they go 12-0), but work with me, theoretically everyone still has a chance.
So you’re saying there’s a chance…
But, this is already wordy enough. Let’s get to HornMafia’s Season Opening Preview Because It’s the Season Opener And That’s What We Do:
Consistently Good to Be Great. WTF? Seriously? That’s the Longhorn’s team motto this year? I hate to tell you, Mack, but “good” gets your ass beat in the Big 12. Ask Texas Tech that. They’ve been trying that for the last 12 years. I can just imagine it now, Mack Brown, Cleve Bryant and Bill Little locking themselves in Mack’s office to come up with the 2008 team motto, rejecting motto after motto (Just Get to 10 Wins seen as a bit passive, We Wear Orange and White, Colt seen as an affront to Colt McCoy, and Show Up For Every Game This Time not fitting on the bracelets). Finally around 1AM, Mack scratches his five o’clock shadow, wakes up Cleve and takes the whiskey bottle out of his hand and rouses Bill Little who is stripped down to his underwear off his couch and says, “Consistently Good to Be Great.” Cleve and Bill look at each other, say “whatever, let’s go home” and there you have it. Or somesuch.
The Major Comes Home. I’ve lost half of you who refuse to hear anyone call him “The Major” anymore, but deal with it, you’re not paying for the damn column anyhow (the day they try to put me on LM Fanzone Insider is the day I stop writing this column, I swear). Anyhow, Major Applewhite comes back as the running backs coach this year, which you can only hope that other teams have won with a white running backs coach before. But Major’s impact isn’t limited to the football field, he’s also a hell of a recruiter, as evidenced by the fact that Houston Cypress senior quarterback (and five star recruit) Russell Shepard is “100%” committed to LSU. Wait, that’s not good. But Major is talking to him every week, I just hope he’s not wasting his anytime minutes.
Muschampionship Caliber Defense. Hey, I didn’t win a district title in Headline Writing in middle school for nothing. Who cares if we don’t have a safety that can find the PCL Library yet…that Ryan Palmer is our only returning starter in the secondary…that Scott Derry and Robert Killebrew graduated (snicker)…or that Roy Miller is due to turn 47 years old next week. We got Will Muschamp! Perhaps we should ask Dallas Cowboys linebacker Zach Thomas his opinion on Muschamp, who was his defensive coordinator in Miami for one season in 2005: “I didn’t think I was going to respect him,” Thomas said. “I mean, he was about the same age as me and never had coached in the NFL. I was really surprised, because I would have run through a brick wall for him after about a week. He’s got this infectious personality. He’s intense, but he’s also honest and sincere, and you just don’t want to disappoint him.”
Goosebumps.
-OR- The Longhorns released their depth chart for the opener against Florida Atlantic on Monday this week, and apparently we start more than 30 players, because 8 of the 22 positions had –OR-. So apparently we either have co-starters, Mack doesn’t want to hurt any feelings, we don’t have any true starters, or Mack just really likes to confuse the hell out of all of us. My money is on the latter. I suggest we all start using this in our daily lives, however. “Honey, does this make me look fat?” “Maybe –OR—Not at all.” “Do you want to go to church on Sunday?” “The Cowboys are on –OR—Sure, the early service would be great.” “Please write your Longhorn Donation for the 2009 season here:” “$500 –OR-- $1000…what do I get?”
Sports Cliches That Fit This Team Like a Glove.
Take ‘em one at a time – The 2008 Longhorns, like Mack Brown has told us about 1423 times this off-season, have the “toughest schedule in school history” (which is bullshit, the Horns opened with School for the Deaf, Haskell, Oklahoma, Baylor, Arkansas, Vanderbilt, and then had to play Oklahoma on the road AGAIN before closing out against Texas A&M in 1903. We only have to play Oklahoma once this year). But it’s true, the schedule is tough, which is why the Horns can’t afford a “2006 KSU” or “2007 KSU” or “2006 Texas A&M” type loss. Beat the ones you should beat, and be consistently good against the Oklahomas and Missouris.
He Brings His Lunch Pail to the Park – Well if we are throwing this cliché, we are talking about a white guy, and this time it’s Colt McCoy. Literally.
They Have to Establish Their Running Game – Jamaal Charles has left, who is going to step up in his place? Vondrell McGee was so-so last year. He has to be the man this year.
ORAKPWNED. Mark my words, Brian Orakpo will be the pass rusher that this team has lacked for several years. He’s finally healthy this year (unless someone chop-blocks him in the first game again), he’s massive, he’s got Coach BOOM and he’s playing to be a top of the first round draft pick in April’s NFL Draft. Add all
of that up, and well you can’t add it all up because they’re not numerals, but ingest all of that and you have a hell of a player that should be a force this year.
Derry and Killebrew Graduate. Guadalupe Street Turns Into Make-Shift Parade. Yes, Derry and Killebrew are gone (insert crying Indian here), but don’t worry, perhaps someone else will step up and look at the cheerleaders instead of chasing Michael Goodson..
And perhaps someone else can get the two 15 yard penalties a game this year to make up for Killebrew being gone. My money is on Shipley. That guy never stops running his mouth.
Longhorns Have Brand New Safety Valve. It hit me on the way home from my haircut this afternoon (yay JR Salon)…how in the hell can our safeties be any worse than Marcus Griffin –OR-- Erick Jackson??? And how have I not been watching The Family Guy this whole time? That show is great???
Guys We Play This Year That Look Like Convicts
Facebook Status Messages From Around College Football:
Colt McCoy has joined The Village People group.
Rich Rodriguez has left the West Virginia Alumni group.
Mike Sherman has started a Water Balloon Fight. Throw a water balloon at Mike!
Ricky Williams wrote on Major Applewhite’s Wall: “I’m glad you were never my coach.”
Bob Stoops and Josh Jarboe are not in a relationship anymore.
Mike Gundy has turned 41. Now stop making the joke, please.
Bob Stoops is planning a trip to Kansas City in December.
Jim Tressell is hoping his team gets to play Oklahoma in the BCS this year.
Rick Neuheisel is meeting with investors, er, boosters today.
Mitch Mustain is LA SUCKS.
Percy Harvin is visiting his old friend the doc today. Been a long time.
Graham Harrell has banged every chick on the Texas Tech campus. He now has 574 STDs.
Cleve Bryant is in Mack’s office, with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a handgun in the other. Quit f*cking snoring, Bill –OR—I will beat yo’ ass. 12:59AM
On to the games...
Hawaii @ Florida -35
Tyler Graunke was supposed to be the Rainbow Warriors’ starting quarterback this year, but academic issues
have kept him off the practice field this summer. It might not have mattered anyhow, as Hawaii is still reeling
from the Sugar Bowl drilling from Georgia and the loss of June Jones to SMU.
Florida has injury issues of their own (WR Percy Harvin is expected to miss the game, as is leading returning
tackler LB Brandon Spikes is as well), but it shouldn’t matter much. Hawaii will move the ball late, however.
Florida 51 Hawaii 20
ATS – Hawaii
SU -- Florida
Illinois vs. Missouri -9
Illinois is getting better, but they lost too much from the Rose Bowl team of a year ago to expect them to hold
up to Missouri. The Tigers return most everyone of importance, and QB Chase Daniel should be a Heisman
finalist.
Missouri 34 Illinois 21
ATS – Missouri
SU – Missouri
USC -20 @ Virginia
Virginia is another team, like Illinois, that had a pretty decent year last year, but will be decimated by graduation this year. DE Chris Long is the marquee name, but starting QB Jameel Sewell was suspended, and several others were booted off the team. They only return 10 starters.
QB Marc Sanchez seems ready to go for USC, just weeks after dislocating a knee cap (which sounds like just about the worse injury ever). The Trojan defense once again looks to be one of the best in the country, if not the best.
USC 37
Virginia 14
ATS – USC
SU -- USC
Alabama vs. Clemson -5
Clemson returns the RB duo of Spiller/Davis, and they have 7 seniors on defense. Clemson looks like the better
team on paper…
But, Nick Saban needs this game. This is the year where he needs to start making an impact on the SEC, and a
win here would do wonders for this Alabama team.
Clemson is just too good for Alabama here. ‘Bama will be better by the end of the year, but Clemson is too
much for them right now.
Clemson 27 Alabama 17
ATS – Clemson
SU -- Clemson
Tennessee -7.5 @ UCLA
The Bruins are on about their 7th string quarterback (again). QB Kevin Craft comes from San Diego State, and
if he couldn’t start there, you gotta wonder how confident UCLA can be.
Tennessee is a good team, not a great team, but this game would be a bit of a statement game for them. Their
last trip to California didn’t go so well, as they lost to Cal 45-31 in last year’s season opener.
But they should prevail easily here. Maybe.
Tennessee 28 UCLA 17
ATS – Tennessee
SU -- Tennessee
Florida Atlantic @ Texas -24
Florida Atlantic might very well be the best opening opponent Texas has had in the Mack Brown era…but they
are crippling before our very eyes.
First came the very stupid comments by FAU coach Howard Schnellenbeger that called Texas a soft team, then
came injuries to C Nick Paris (the anchor of an offensive line that only gave up 15 sacks last year), DE Robert
St. Clair and TE Jason Harmon (63 catches last year). Their RG and LG are also banged up and not 100%.
QB Rusty Smith has a bevy of receivers to throw to, which will be a good test for a Texas secondary that is very
green, only returning one starter. Put this guy on an OU or Missouri, and they may not lose a step.
But then…you have the FAU defense. And you see they gave up 27 points to Memphis. And 32 to Troy. And
31 to Arkansas State. 33 to Louisiana-Monroe. 32 to Louisiana-Lafayette. Hell they gave up 20 to North
Texas. 59 to Florida. 45 to Kentucky. 35 to South Florida. Where does Texas rank among those offenses?
Well if 2006 Colt McCoy shows up, they are damn near the Florida offense of last year. So what would you
like to see in this game? Colt McCoy return to dominating form without the stupid interceptions. John Chiles
used in sensible situations. Vondrell McGee/Chris Ogbonnaya/Fozzy Whitaker taking away all of our fears. A
defense that doesn’t give away yards like money to the Jerry Lewis telethon.
Florida Atlantic just doesn’t have the horses in this one. They’re banged up, their coach has put an immense
pressure on them, and oh yeah, Mack Brown swears that his team will be ready to play. Hopefully he’s correct.
Texas 55 Florida Atlantic 23
ATS – Texas
SU -- Texas
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